Articles

80's Party

An 80’s Party is good fun, think shoulder pads, neon, skinny acid washed jeans, big tops, big hair and anything Madonna or MJ. Movies influenced dress as well, like America Gigolo, Desperately Seeking Susan and Flash Dance. The drinks ran the gamut from too sweet, Sex On The Beach, to way too strong, Long Island Iced Tea. Food was between Quiche and Gourmet Burgers. Think real men don’t eat Quiche tee-shirts!

 

For more drinks - http://www.midnightmixologist.com/80s

 

Any good 80’s party starts with great music. I know 80’s and great music don’t always go together but we picked some of the top songs of the decade and you can add on from there. So mix up some drinks, tease your hair out and throw some burgers on the grill for the best in what was the party decade.

It’s a band, it’s a drink, it’s the 80’s. B52’s were and remain popular shooters. There are many variations to this drink; it’s usually layered by hand in a shot or sherry glass. Very tasty and on the too rich sweet side it remains one of the more popular bar shots.

The cosmo or Cosmopolitan was a fixture on the bar scene as early as the mid 80’s. The drink was further popularized among young women by its frequent mention on the television program Sex and the City, where Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw, commonly ordered the drink when out with her girlfriends. The film adaptation made a reference to its popularity when Miranda asks why they stopped drinking them, Carrie replies "because everyone else started."

Fuzzy Navels popped up in the 80’s along with big hair bands and clubs that appealed to younger clientele that liked the sweet taste. Seen as a sorority girl drink it was light, fun and didn’t knock you out! Other sweet light drinks included the Pina Colada and Tequila Sunrise

The drink's name is from Japanese Kamikaze (神風), meaning "divine wind". This drink became popular in the 80’s as a shot and cocktail that is served in a classic cocktail glass. The shots go down quick and smooth, so much so, that almost 30 years later they are still one of the most request bar shots. The Melon Ball was also one of the more popular shooters.

The 80’s party play list falls into 2 groups, the Rock/Big Hair Bands and Pop/Club Music. So to get your party playlist going we thought we’d get you started:

 

Rock-Big Hair Bands of the 80’s:

 

Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" (1986), Def Leppard / "Pour Some Sugar On Me" (1987), Duran Duran / "Hungry Like the Wolf" (1982), Guns N' Roses / Sweet Child O' Mine (1987), Run-D.M.C. / "Walk This Way" (1986), AC/DC / "You Shook Me All Night Long" (1980),

 

Journey / Don't Stop Believing (1981), U2 / "With Or Without You" (1987), Van Halen / "Jump" (1984), INXS / "Need You Tonight" (1987), Whitesnake / "Here I Go Again" (1982), The Cure / "Just Like Heaven" (1987), Guns N' Roses / "Welcome to the Jungle" (1987), Talking Heads / "Burning Down the House" (1983), Pat Benatar / "Love is a Battlefield" (1983), Queen and David Bowie / "Under Pressure" (1981), Poison / "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (1988), Aerosmith / "Janie's Got a Gun" (1989), U2 / "Pride (In the Name of Love)" (1984), The B-52's / "Love Shack"

 

 

(1989), Mötley Crüe / "Dr. Feelgood" (1989), The Clash / "London Calling" (1982), The Police / "Every Breath You Take" (1983), Twisted Sister / "We're Not Gonna Take It" (1984), Bruce Springsteen / "Born in the U.S.A." (1984), Beastie Boys / "Fight For Your Right" (1986), Eurythmics / "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" (1983),

 

 

Billy Idol / "White Wedding" (1988),

 

John Mellencamp / "Jack & Diane" (1982), Devo / "Whip It" (1980), R.E.M. / "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

 

 

(1980), Joan Jett & The Blackhearts / "I Love Rock N' Roll" (1981), Blondie / "Call Me" (1980), Robert Palmer / "Addicted to Love" (1985), The Pretenders / "Brass in Pocket" (1980), Gary Numan / "Cars" (1980), Rolling Stones / "Start Me Up" (1981), The Romantics / "What I Like About You" (1980), Loverboy / "Working for the Weekend" (1981)

Pop/Club Music:

Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" (1986), Duran Duran / "Hungry Like the Wolf" (1982), Michael Jackson / "Billie Jean" (1982), Prince / "When Doves Cry" (1984), Hall & Oates / "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" (1981), Madonna / "Like a Virgin" (1984), Run-D.M.C. / "Walk This Way" (1986), Journey / Don't Stop Believing (1981), Whitney Houston / "How Will I Know" (1985), The Bangles / "Walk Like an Egyptian" (1986),

 

 

Van Halen / "Jump" (1984), INXS / "Need You Tonight" (1987), Dexy's Midnight Runners / "Come On Eileen" (1982), Cyndi Lauper / "Time After Time" (1984), Rick Springfield / "Jessie's Girl" (1981), Michael Jackson / "Beat It" (1982), The Cure / "Just Like Heaven" (1987), Cyndi Lauper / "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" (1984),

 

A-Ha / "Take On Me" (1985), Go-Go's / "Our Lips Are Sealed" (1981), Kajagoogoo / "Too Shy" (1984), Wham! / "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" (1984), Talking Heads / "Burning Down the House" (1983), Queen and David Bowie / "Under Pressure" (1981), Soft Cell / "Tainted Love" (1981), Phil Collins / "In the Air Tonight" (1981), Modern English / "I Melt With You" (1982), The B-52's / "Love Shack" (1989), Bananarama / "Cruel Summer" (1984), Janet Jackson / "Nasty" (1986), The Police / "Every Breath You Take" (1983), Eurythmics / "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" (1983), Ratt / "Round and Round" (1984), Dead or Alive / "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" (1985), Billy Idol / "White Wedding" (1988), Salt-N-Pepa / "Push It" (1986), A Flock of Seagulls / "I Ran (So Far Away)" (1982), Bonnie Tyler / "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (1983), Toni Basil / "Mickey" (1981), Culture Club / "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" (1982)

 

John Mellencamp / "Jack & Diane" (1982), Young M.C. / "Bust a Move" (1989), Styx / "Mr. Roboto" (1983), Berlin / "Take My Breath Away" (1986), Devo / "Whip It" (1980), Paula Abdul / "Straight Up" (1988), Foreigner / "I Want to Know What Love Is" (1984), Joan Jett & The Blackhearts / "I Love Rock N' Roll" (1981), Rick James / "Super Freak" (1981), George Michael / "Faith" (1987), Prince / "Little Red Corvette" (1983), Thomas Dolby / "She Blinded Me With Science" (1982), New Edition / "Candy Girl" (1983), Blondie / "Call Me" (1980), Human League / "Don't You Want Me?" (1981), Prince / "Kiss" (1986), Lionel Richie / "All Night Long (All Night)" (1983), Robert Palmer / "Addicted to Love" (1985), Bow Wow Wow / "I Want Candy" (1982), Falco / "Rock Me Amadeus" (1986), Chaka Khan / "Ain't Nobody" (1989), The Pretenders / "Brass in Pocket" (1980), Tone-Loc / "Wild Thing" (1989), Katrina and The Waves / "Walking On Sunshine" (1983), New Kids on the Block / "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" (1988), Gary Numan / "Cars" (1980), Rolling Stones / "Start Me Up" (1981), Men at Work / "Down Under" (1982), The Romantics / "What I Like About You" (1980), Bobby Brown / "My Perogative" (1988), Wang Chung / "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" (1986), George Michael / “I Want Your Sex” (1987)

 

Drink Contest

We're having our first drink contest.  Get to start drinking and start thinking and we'll give you some guidelines.

 

What is the prize? Top prize is $500

 

Who can enter?

Anyone

What is the category?

Give us your best drink. The one you created and feel it is worthy of being published. The one that will make us smile and applaud and your friends want to drink at your house!

How will we be judged?

There will be voting and the top 5 votes will go into the final 10. The second 5 will be evaluated by the MM judges and if there is overlap we will go to the next drink down.  The votes are weighted so the more votes the better.  So get your friends to vote for you.  Promises of batches and samples of your pratice drinks work well.

What will the final 10 drinks be judged on?

Originality - Can be a riff on a classic but must be significantly different - Drinkability - Does it taste good - Appearance - Is it appealing, you will need to submit a picture of the drink - Ingredients - Can the drink be replicated

Each category is worth 25 points.

All drinks submitted can be published by Midnight Mixologist with the Mixologist given credit.

The contest starts the ends October 13th so get your drink in soon so you can have more votes!

First 10 people to enter win a free Midnight Mixologist t-shirt and the 10 finalists do as well. We have other prizes coming in from our sponsors and judges will be announced soon.


4th of July Cocktails

Fun Cocktails for your 4th of July Party! Try some new cocktails or twists on some old favorites. http://www.midnightmixologist.com/4th-of-July

The Farmer's Cabinet

Opened up last spring by Matthew and Pauline Schwartz, in the Washington Square West section of Philly,   takes its name from mid-nineteenth farming guides once published in Philly and other cities.

“A lot of our aesthetics are drawn from early American saloons, but we elevate it with live prohibition jazz every evening. We want it to be an exciting, comfortable and nostalgic drinking environment,” said Valerie Boyle, their bar manager. “The ambiance is further aided by candlelight and oil lamps.”

Valerie certainly knows her cocktails and speaks lovingly of how classics have taken over the scene here. The cocktails we know as classic really grew with the country as they were defined in the 1800s, when liquor, bitters, sugar and ice became easier to procure and quite fashionable.

“Ice,” Valerie said profoundly, “was a huge advancement of drinking culture. For instance you want a larger piece of ice for an Old Fashioned, while a Mint Julep really needs shaved ice to make a sort of slushy.”

The bar does not stand on pretension – even if you only drink vodka tonics. However, if you are a novice to the world of classic cocktails they are willing to educate you. In fact they call their menu a “cocktail program” which boasts recipes from original sources dating back to the 1800s and early 1900s.

“We are really proud to serve The Philadelphia Scotchman, a drink which originated in 1930. Despite the name there is no Scotch in it. It consists of apple brandy, ruby port, ginger syrup, orange juice and club soda,” Boyle said. “It’s a favorite at the bar.”

Of course part of their mission is to serve classic cocktails and the other is to build on classic drinks. This past summer they served up the Muriel on the Rocks made with a local gin, house-made blue Curacao, lime-juice, sugar, black Hawaiian sea salt, sage and egg whites…and they kindly shared recipe.

Murial on the Rocks
1.5 oz Bluecoat American Dry Gin 
1/2 oz blue tinted triple sec (Combier tinted with blue vegetable extract)
3/4 oz lime
3/4 oz simple syrup
1/2 oz egg white 
4 fresh sage leaves 
Black Hawaiian Sea Salt
Sage Leaves  

Build cocktail with one sage leaf, add egg white. Dry shake. Add ice. Shake until chilled. Strain into rocks glass garnished with remaining sage leaves and cracked ice. Top with black Hawaiian sage leaves and Black Hawaiian Sea Salt. 

“It really looks like the ocean captured in a glass,” Boyle said fondly.

The Farmers Cabinet
1113 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 923-1113

Summer Drinks

We put together a bunch of drinks to keep your summer going. So have a party and fire up the lawn chairs and BBQ by the pool. These drinks are sure to inspire you to pull out the stops when setting up a poolside bar. Need an excuse to throw a party? A Hawaiian or Island themed party is just the thing to get summer moving in the right direction.  

To start we picked the perfect summer drink, the Blue Hawaiian. Originating in Hawaii in a bar on Waikaki over looking the Pacific Ocean it owes it's blue color to Blue Curacao. Challenged to come up with a drink to use the liquor the bartender pulled off this twist on a tropical drink. Brings to mind long boards, sun, small bikinis and long tan legs!

 

English Summer is a drink that sounds a little strange but is cool crisp and inviting. Give it a try for something that is delightfully different.

 

 

 

Strawberry Thyme Lemonade light an cool with a hint of green. A perfect drink for pairing with food or just enjoying a summer afternoon. Perfect for those vodka lovers that don't like sweet.

 

 

 

Quite A Mango a rum based drink that is as fun to drink as it is to say. Rum and Mango juice go so well together but the basil and the lime keep it smooth and light but not too sweet. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Watermelon Mint Spritzer is sure to be a summer hit. One of our favorites using Gin and fresh watermelon it is light, cool and breezy. Give it a try for something that is a step outside the ordinary.

 

 

 

Tangerine Rosemary Spritzer is a play on some wonderful summer flavors that would be great all the way into the fall. Using Gin and and keeping it light and flavor packed it is yet another twist on the classic spritzer.

 

 

 

Some times you just need a bloody good drink! Blood Orange Mojito fills that spot and then some. Try it out and you may never go back!

 

 

 

One of our more interesting combinations the Sake Cucumber Cooler has to be tasted to be believed. Perfect with pairing with Sushi or at a Luau this drinks sets itself apart from the rest. Give it a try; you'll be surprised.

 

 

 

A perfect Luau drink Guava Lime Cooler it is like a breezy tradewind in your face in a pool chair overlooking the Pacific. Perfect.

 

 

 

Great for Brunch or any party where you want to offer something not too strong Neverland Bellinis fit that bill. Great with Brunch Food or afternoon parties the combination of citrus, rosemary and raspberries combined with sparking wine is wonderful.

 

 

 

Quote The Raven combines blueberries, vodka and sparkling wine for a full flavored drink. Great for something that is a little off the wall and delightfully different.

 

 

 

One of our frozen concoctions Kiwi Sunset is just good. The perfect pairing of a margarita base with cool summer fruits!.

 

 

 

Now that Cuba is almost open to tourists it gives new meaning to the term Rum Runner. Think of lazy summers on beaches watching the sail boats move between Cuba and the Keys.

 

The Ice Bomb is just that! Drink carefully because these go down light and smooth. Great for cooling down on a hot summer day, the blend of 2 flavored vodkas and regular vodka mask the fact this drink has a serious kick. Cool and refreshing.

 

 

 

 

A killer Citrus drink with the hint of Italy, the Italian Citrus is a refreshing drink that takes you to a sidewalk cafe people watching and taking in ocean views.

 

This icy cool drink is great by the pitcher or glass. The Strawberry Blueberry Margarita takes the best off fresh summer fruit and make a drink that will be the hit of any pool party or brunch.

 

 This Passion_Fruit_Punch is a tropical treat. Rum and Hawaiian Sun Passion Fruit Juice make this drink something you can sip all day long. Great for a poolside brunch or party it mixes up well in large batches.

 

 

 

 

 A light classic that is easy to make, tastes great and uses only a few ingredients the Vodka Collins is an easy drink for the novice bartender.

 

 

 

 

 Hurricanes kick off June with a bang and if you drink enough of them you may miss hurrican season all together!

 

 

 

 

Island Swizzle is a great drink to impress your friends. Light good and a step above the run of the mill it combines all the things we love in a summer cocktail. Interesting taste with unique flavors make it a summer favorite. 

 

One of the classics Mojito is a rum based drink that is based on a drink from the 1800’s out of Cuba. Classic Mojitos have only Rum, sugar, fresh lime juice and mint. The ultimate summer cooler it is often served with a splash of soda to make it even lighter. White or amber Rums are used for a crisp clean taste. These go down way too easy so keep track of the number while sitting around the pool. 

 

 A clean classy drink that will dress up any summer afternoon activity or party Turn a New Leaf is a great tasting drink that goes well with food and keeps the party going. Nice use of botanticals help to make this a change up to the normal summer cocktail.

 

 

 For something light and fresh try Kiss On The Lips as a drink that will keep you sipping all evening long. More of a kiss than a make out session it keeps you going for the long haul.

 

 

 

 

 Tropical Peach Soda is a way to take advantage of summer fruit to make a drink that is light refreshing and fun. Visually it looks like you want summer to be, colorful, light and pretty. So bottoms up!

 

 

 

 

Mother's Day

 

Amaretto Sours are great for those before dinner drinks. Smooth, sweet/sour and light they are the perfect drink to get the party started and keep it going. While there are some Amaretto's out there we still always reach for Amaretto de Saronna. Sometimes the classics are classics for a reason.

Named after the Australian Howler monkeys, called Banshee’s, this is a great after dinner drink that tasteds like chocolate covered bananas! Usually made with half and half you can substitute ice cream for a really rich dessert drink. You try not to like these but they’re kinda like the frozen chocolate bananas you get at the fair. Guilty pleasures.

Daiquirí became popular in the 1940s. Wartime rationing made whiskey, vodka, etc., hard to come by, yet because of Roosevelt's Good Neighbor policy (which opened up trade and travel relations with Latin America, Cuba and the Caribbean), rum was easily obtainable. The Good Neighbor Policy (also known as 'The Pan-American program'), helped make Latin America seem fashionable. Consequently, rum-based drinks (once frowned upon as being the domain of sailors and down-and-outs), also became fashionable, and the Daiquirí saw a tremendous rise in popularity in the US. Originally served over cracked ice, Bacardi Rum, sugar and fresh lime juice it is now served frozen with a variety of different flavors. Two of our favorites are the lime and peach are included as well. Other fruits that translate well are peach, strawberries, raspberries or papaya.

Fuzzy Navels popped up in the 80’s along with big hair bands and clubs that appealed to younger clientele that liked the sweet taste. Seen as a sorority girl drink it was light, fun and didn’t knock you out!

Kahula and Cream is a great after dinner drink that goes down like a cold adult coffee! Low proof and very drinkable this is a great drink for when you just want something tasty to finish off the evening but still get up in the morning to go to work. A little on the rich side the heavy cream offsets the coffee liqueur with just the right level of sweetness. Yum!

Margaritas have come a long way from the classic Tequila, Triple Sec and lime juice. There are many variations as well as serving options. Frozen, Rocks, Up, Salted or not are all part of the large group of recipes. A basic search could return 100’s of recipes all slightly different. At the core though remains Tequila and lime. Adding any number of fruits, switching out the liquors and lead to an endless variety. Some of our favorites, the classic Agave Margarita, the fall taste of the Italian Margarita or the dramatic kick of the Top Shelf Margarita are very drinkable. All of these drinks will get you started exploring the wonderful world of Margaritas and Tequilas. The fewer ingredients and liquors the better the Tequila needs to be for the best taste. Invented in the 1940’s it has, in all its permutations, remained a popular drink since then.

There have been whole blogs books and articles written on the Martini and if it should be shaken or stirred. Stirring is recommended for all drinks that do not contain fruit juice as it keeps the ice pieces created when shaking from diluting the drink. Martini people take their gin very seriously. So let’s break it down, Martinis = Gin and Vermouth. Modern Martinis use dry or white Vermouth. Now a days a dry Martini is one that has very little Vermouth, the dryer the smaller the portion of Vermouth to Gin, those with more Vermouth are wet. A dirty Martini is one where the brine from the olive jar is poured into the drink adding a salty taste. When you move into Vodka Martinis these are not true Martinis but are part of the drinks that are called Martinis or fill in the blank – tinis. Since we are more interested in what tasted good, a personal choice, we have a variety of Martinis including some that are tini’s called that more because of the glass they are served in as opposed to being a classic Martini. So have yours shaken or stirred, it’s up to you! Just enjoy. Like all spirit only drinks this is where you want to spend you dollars on the good stuff. Have a Gin tasting party with everyone bringing different brands and you’ll find that the tastes vary wildly. Have fun and bottoms up.

The Screwdriver reportedly got its name because American petroleum engineers in Saudi Arabia secretly added vodka to small cans of orange juice and stirred the mixture with their screwdrivers in the late 40’s. It gained prominent in the 50’s and has remained a popular drink since. It is usually one of the first drinks many people try since all you can really taste is the orange juice. It is an easy addition to your party list with only 2 ingredients, Vodka and OJ.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day Recipes Looking for a great start to a summer. From tropical treats to cool lemonades. Break out the sunglasses and get to sippin'.

The Virgil

Dog Day Afterwork Comedy at The Virgil.

Looking for something to do this Saturday in LA? Featuring comedians from Comedy Central, Conan O'Brian, and the Jimmy Fallon show. This month's line-up:


Cristela Alonzo (Comedy Central Half Hour)

Beth Stelling (Conan)

Patrick Keane (Craig Ferguson)

Jon Schabl

Hosted by Scott Boxenbaum.

Saturday, March 30th, 8pm. Free- no cover, no drink minimum. $5 happy hour cocktails, wine and beer!

The Virgil

Not only will you laugh your ass off but they have great cocktails from classic bourbon Old Fashions, to some new and inventive drinks like The Blazing Saddle, the El Diablo, and the Irish Caravan. Making sure the drinks don't get watered down they put a single chopped ice cube in the drink. Classic - try it out.

Bluecoat American Gin

Sebastian Fortino sits down with Robert Cassell the Master Distiller of Philadelphia Distilling to talk about Bluecoat American Dry Gin. Cassell describes Bluecoat as "having soft juniper notes followed by bright citrus, with a hint of spice on the finish" and locals happily call it their gin.

Gin has come back to Philadelphia and not just in glasses and bottles but in stills as well. Bluecoat American Dry Gin, is produced in Philly. It’s a relatively recent arrival on the gin scene and comes in a lovely blue bottle. Its name pays homage to the bluecoats worn by the Americans during the Revolution.

"Gin has a flavor spectrum of different stylistic interpretations due to all the botanicals that can be used. I wanted to define a portion of that as uniquely our own. During the inception of Bluecoat we were defining ourselves as an American premium gin at a time when there were only a miniscule number of gins being produced domestically," said Robert Cassell, the Master Distiller of Philadelphia Distilling. Bluecoat received a federal license to distill in December of 2005 and their first bottles were introduced in April of 2006.



To get Bluecoat’s unique flavor 17 different batches were crafted and tried until he found the balanced recipe, for which the spirit is known today. Cassell is also proud Bluecoat is made in the world’s largest hand-hammered copper distilling pot.

Making gin is one thing but getting people who are attached to vodka to try it is something quite different. Since vodka has been the "norm" since the 1980s getting gin converts might prove difficult. Gin enthusiasts know many people consider the spirit "old-fashioned" but really, it’s a time-honored classic. Cassell says the easiest way is to ask "vodka people" how they take their "voddy. " Someone who enjoys a standard vodka and tonic might not be too impressed with a room temperature sampling of dry gin. It might, perhaps, have too much flavor for them in that state. A good, dry gin is really a crisp, rich, wake-up call for the senses.

"If they drink their spirits with tonic, a splash of water, whatever, get them to sample them the same way and give them the experience of gin geared in a light that is still approachable to them, " Cassell said.

There are several recipes for cocktails on the Bluecoat website. However, Cassell said his current favorite is a classic Negroni made with his own gin. When asked for a recipe he said he likes to see how the bartender makes the drink.

"As a distiller, the best compliment a bartender can give me is to use my spirit in their cocktail. My reason for this feeling is because the customer at the bar is going to judge that bartender by the cocktail, not by what’s in it, " Cassell said recently. "If the bartender admires my work enough to include it in their work, it’s the best compliment I can receive. "

Therefore, Cassell did not share his favorite version. However, if you wish to try it in your own home a Negroni with Bluecoat consists of equal parts Bluecoat gin, sweet, red vermouth, and Campari bitters. An orange slice goes beautifully with the ruby red color and ice, of course, makes it chilled and refreshing. The citrus of the gin, the sweetness of the vermouth and the blood orange flavor of Campari (a great drink on its own) just makes everything better.

Bluecoat isn't the only spirit produced by the Philadelphia Distilling Company. They are revolutionizing the art of distilling in Philadelphia - and perhaps the country - with some other remarkable products. Midnight Mixologist will discuss their other products within the next few weeks.

Bluecoat American Gin

12285 McNulty Road, #105

Philadelphia, PA 19154

(215) 671-0346

Check the website for retailer information

God’s Waiting Room

Kyle Dowling

Why am I here? This place; it’s not typically somewhere I’d find myself venturing to on a Saturday night. The Friars Club; East 55th Street.

Some call it one of the most respected clubs in the history of New York City. Jerry Lewis, Billy Crystal, Milton Berle—it’s a place for legends. However, others label it the correct terminology of “God’s Waiting Room.” Myself included..

The tables surrounding me are filled with people all of the same ilk, the old money types with no worries in the world. And old is the critical term. Stephen Frederick? God will see you now..

To my left I can see a once-revered actor/comedian from the 70s, his earlobes droop so low that if he were to descend his head two inches they’d surely dip in his lobster bisque. He’ll need another napkin, perhaps two. When my eyes drift to the right I see a pair of women who have what can only be construed as two of the most disturbing faces mankind has ever seen… too many plastic surgeries, indeed. To them, aging is a curse. Bring me beauty. However you can.

Spiraling my head around the room—waiting for the man buying me dinner to finish in the bathroom—I see a lovely dining area. Wonderful art, pictures of legends, elegance. I’m okay with that. However, the patrons are the geriatrics, the ones with brand new hips, the ones wearing Depends undergarments, the ones who fancy it necessary to treat racial slurs as common vernacular. The “innocent racists.” And the food?

Truthfully I’m not aware of what any of these items are. All I know is that this Rum and Coke in my hand is too weak—far too weak—for my liking. And is it real Coke? Yet despite all of this it is my dearest friend at the moment. Speak to me Rum. Let us drift away. Can’t we leave?

Eventually the Friar who invited me returns. He explains the ins and outs of this club, this hellhole covered in expensive granite. This large coffin filled with soon-to-be tenants. He tells me the committee is attempting to attract younger members. Friends, with one glance around the room I can tell you a dozen reasons that will never happen. We young men, we young women, do not do slacks. We do jeans and short skirts, dresses. We do not do perfectly trimmed blazers. We are comfortable. We do not care for dress codes. And we are not ones for the hoitytoity, the snobs of your generation.

“So what do you think?” he says. “You in?” as he stuffs his face with some puzzling unknown chicken dish. I wonder; does he know what it is he’s ingesting?

My hands quiver, my heart races. The knife beside my plate looks like the perfect size for my neck, should my mouth say yes. “Well…” I say. “No, no way in hell.” Get me out of here.